What Not to Wear

I made the grave error of googling what I should wear based on my body type. This is what I learned:


  • Clingy shirts or dresses
  • High-cut shirts
  • High-waisted jeans
  • Low-rise jeans
  • Skinny jeans (maybe you should just avoid jeans entirely, they’re just not your thing)
  • Leggings
  • Anything that draws attention to your hideous body
  • An expression that conveys self confidence as if you are not a garbage person
  • Really, maybe you should just stay in today


  • An expression of abject misery and shame
  • Bear suits