September 18, 2021
The members of the He Is Risen Baptist Church in Tacoma, Washington announced their boycott of Mount Rainier, citing the mountain’s “gross indecency” and “flagrant immodesty” after record highs combined with severe drought caused the “snowiest place on earth” to display more rock than usual.
“The world may think this is okay,” said Pastor Jeremiah Jones, “but we won’t accept this lewd behavior! Think of the children!”
This summer, record-breaking heat waves across the Pacific Northwest melted the snowpack on Mount Rainier, leaving vast slopes of grey rock uncovered, in stark contrast to its usual white-veiled majesty.
On Sunday, members of the congregation gathered on Main Street holding signs reading “Repent! Judgment is nigh!” and “Mt. Rainier=Jezebel” a reference to the Biblical queen.
“It’s simply disgraceful!” said Susan Smith, a church member. “My son sees the mountain every day on his way to school. I don’t want his mind polluted by that filthy slut!” Mrs. Smith said while gesturing expansively towards the east where Mount Rainier dominates the landscape.
As of this publication, Mount Rainier has received a light dusting of snow. When reached for comment, Pastor Jones said, “Hmph! Finally!”