A Rebuttal

Dearest Megsie,

I won’t lie to you that your sudden conversion from libertarian to typical, mainstream democrat was a bit of a shocker. I never understood it and, unfortunately, after your brief explanation I still don’t.

You say your change of heart was motivated by realizing the people you were supporting would ultimately take your freedom for religious reasons. This confuses me because I seem to remember us all being pretty closely aligned in our political philosophies. I think BarryPatch Politics could be nicely summed up in the simple phrase, “Less government=more freedom”, and that was why we all supported Ron Paul, the 2nd Amendment, the end of the War on Drugs, and, yes, even secession. I don’t seem to recall lauding any religious theocrats or mainstream conservative Republicans. Is my memory failing me?

The primary focus of your ire seems to be the Tea Party movement, and this confuses me all the more. Granted, I’ve found nothing attractive in the Tea Party movement. If it ever stood for anything remotely libertarian at one point it no longer does now, having been thoroughly battered by Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh into acting as a front for the Republican Party (obviously, seeing as Palin was the keynote speaker at the first Tea Party convention this last Thursday). But what, pray tell, does this have to do with anything? It’s quite obvious the Tea Party movement was not what we were supporting or rooting for in those bygone days.

In the end I think it worked out for the better. You moved to a city filled with typical democrats and it would have just been terribly awkward to be so damn radical, like you once were. Ironically enough, I think you may have become more conservative. But it’s all okay. You’ll keep swooning over your corporate candidates and I’ll keep pushing for secession away from said corporate candidates and life will go on (as someone wisely said, it’s the same old shit).

Sincerely,
Samuel Eldon Bourne

Dear Sam,

Most excellent. I’ve often wondered if anyone from the old group was going to have the guts to question my apparent Road to Damascus conversion. The truth is, however radical such a belief shift may have appeared to you or anyone else from our group, it was in fact the result of long and quiet doubt on my part. We both know that for a long time I have not shared the religious views of you, or anyone else in our group. I was, inevitably, the outsider. Yes, I spoke fluently the language of the disillusioned seditionist - and I hope you believe me that it was not a farce - but unlike you, Sam, and unlike our other religious peers, what I hated most of all about the Bush Administration that we railed so violently against was not his bumbling inadequacy, nor his political heavy-handedness, nor his unjustifiable war, but the religion that drove him to all of those things. A religion that you share with him, in name, if not necessarily in application.

Christian Reconstructionism, Theocracy, Faith-In-Government or whatever incarnation of that theme religious politicos are pushing may not have been the theme of our every discussion (though it was certainly the topic more often than you seem to recall), but it is the undercurrent that seems to drive much of the right’s political fervor. It is the logical conclusion of a religious belief system. If the Bible is God’s word, then it should be the Law of the land. If it is the law of the land, someone like myself can have no place in that land. Even if Constantine does not kill the pagans, his successors will.

On a somewhat different note, you cannot have missed my long-time sympathy with liberal causes. The religious Republicans who took over the party may talk about civil liberties and (now that a Democrat is in office) small government, but they actively oppose women’s rights, and gay rights, and support torture. This is NOT in line with the American ideals I support, and is perfectly in line with Christian theocracy. I certainly don’t agree with Democrats on everything, and I am not a liberal in the typical sense of the term (though I find it incredibly odd that you claim I am more conservative now, since I am certainly not that at all), but I absolutely refuse to align myself with any group, political or otherwise that is actively working against the civil rights of a minority group. So yes, I have allied myself with the group that promotes civil rights, because my conscience will not allow anything else.

As for Obama, I have never fawned over him, except in jest. I respect him, and yes, sometimes I dare to admit that. I think that he is doing many good things. I agree with many of his policies. I disagree with at least as many, but I am most of all frustrated by the unadulterated ignorance of his loudest detractors. Of all the things to complain about, we still hear about his birth certificate. He is blamed for events that were put in motion long before he took office. He is blocked by the opposing party from passing legislation, and then criticised by those same people for failing to enact meaningful change.
I did not actually have very high hopes for Obama when I first chose to vote for him (maintaining low expectations is the surest way to avoid disappointment), so perhaps I am unduly impressed, but I still take offense at your implication that I “swoon” over him or any other politician. We may long for radical change, but we must maintain some semblance of realistic expectations. Obama has in no way lessened my personal freedom. The only real complaints I’ve heard about his so-called socialism have been about the healthcare plan, which does not require anyone to have government care if they can afford private healthcare. I suppose, like many, I am most disappointed in what Obama has NOT done, rather than what he has done. Of course, I never expected him to repeal any of the sweeping powers the Bush administration granted itself, so perhaps “disappointed” is not the right word.

As for smaller government, more freedom, I still agree, but I don’t think that small government is possible now. The anarchist and near-anarchist ideals we longed for were just that - ideals. Such a society is only remotely possible in a small, homogenous culture: one language, one religion, one race. That is not America. Only a big, messy, Republican Democracy will suit our diversity. Yes, I believe this system will eventually implode, perhaps sooner than later, but I hope to hold it together for as long as possible.

Revolution is a truly romantic idea, but it is a very ugly reality. There may come a time when it is necessary, but that time is not now, and when it comes I will not fight side-by-side with people who will ultimately disenfranchise me and others who do not subscribe to their religion.

The truth is, our worldviews are, and always have been diametrically opposed, even though politically they converge on some points. I perhaps did not share my doubts and disagreements as much as I ought to have, in large part because I did not want to be shouted down. I did not change my beliefs to fit in with urban Democrats here (in fact, most of the people I’ve met here are religious Republicans), but rather I moved away from Idaho so that I could get away from beliefs that smothered my own. I moved so that I could think my own thoughts. Yes, I know a few (a very few) people here who have corroborated what I long suspected, and helped strengthen my infant beliefs, but I did not convert to please them. (Though I must confess, I do enjoy not being dismissed as crazy for expressing my opinions).

I sincerely hope that you don’t have such a low opinion of me that you continue to believe that I changed my beliefs without careful thought, even if you were not privy to those thought processes.

Obviously, we have very different beliefs and probably will always continue to disagree. All I ask is that when Palin is in office and wants to feed me to the lions (or shoot me from a helicoptor, more likely) that you make at least a cursory plea to spare me. I’ll do the same for you.

Love,

Megan

Hello, 2010 (A Letter to My Peers)

Greetings, Besotted American Youth.

You are, as we are constantly, nauseatingly, reminded by the media, the future of this great nation. Despite all the nay-sayers, I, for one, am eagerly awaiting a future of creative spelling, efficient (non-existent) punctuation, and charmingly bereft of all but a few shreds of literacy. Im sure u wont disappint me. Bitch, pls.

That said, I do have some pressing concerns as we charge headlong into month two of this new year: first off, why did we suddenly stop talking about Michael Jackson’s death? I was just starting to get interested with the homicide trial. Secondly, we still have a SuperBowl? And people still care? Why?

In order to best express my multifarious opinions on this new year, I have condensed it into a handy What’s Hot/What’s Not guide, that you are welcome to print out and carry in your purse, glove compartment, or tucked between the pages of your bible (preferably next to the verses in Leviticus about sodomy). Lists are ALWAYS trendy.

What’s Hot in Twenty-Ten:

1. Blue people.
I mean, “Native Pandorians”. I am speaking of course, about Avatar, the movie that is currently the highest grossing movie of all time (recession, say what?). This was a visually stunning movie, and I will agree with anyone who praises it, as long as they do so with the clear caveat that the script and acting were sub-par (unnecessary explication, anyone? Anyone?). That said, people really killed themselves after watching it? Yes, I know Pandora is beautiful, and all sunshine and unicorns (well, mind-melding lizard-horses), but THERE IS SUNSHINE HERE, TOO! I understand the depth of emotion that can come after watching an unusually engaging film, but if you’re going to kill yourself because of a reaction to an artistic expression (pop-culture or otherwise), please make it a book. (WHAT? DUMBLEDORE DIES?! *STAB* *STAB* *STAB*).

2. Going green.
But trust me, it won’t be easy. “Rebuilding our infrastructure” and “sustainable energy” will be the key phrases of political and industrial sales pitches in 2010. This is actually pretty damn smart. A lot of people think that the economy runs on money, which is not true. It runs on hope and greed.

3. Adultery.
Infidelity will go out of fashion when the rich, famous, and beautiful cease to indulge in it. This will occur simultaneously with the immolation of the earth, therefore for the sake of the continuation of our species it is imperative that we encourage this. Thanks to Tiger Woods, sex mania became a household term for 2010 as waitresses and whores and business-professionals-who-look-like-porn-stars came out of the woodworks to cash in on a star’s crumbling reputation and unnecessarily humiliate his wife. The highlight of the debaucle was Brit Hume telling Tiger that he needed to convert to Christianity in order to be forgiven, because everyone knows that Christianity offers a “Get out of Hell Free” pass (I traded mine for $45 in Monopoly money). Of course, this whole mess is entirely the fault of the Christians’ unclear moral code. Christians are always railing about saving oneself for marriage, but they failed to specify WHOSE marriage.

4. JenniBradPittIston.
According to the trashy gossip rags I read, Branjelina is no more, which means that Brad will run crying to Jen, she will forgive him and take him back, and all will be right in everyone’s world, except the gossip industry, who will suddenly have to fabricate another scandal to keep us fascinated and flaccid for the next decade.

5. Whatever Apple says is hot, God dammit!
I won’t take the opportunity here to make vulgar analogies about just what Steve Jobs could sell the American people if he so chose, instead I will just say that our insatiable need for entertainment is probably a major factor in keeping our economy afloat. We may have trillions of dollars in debt and 10% unemployment, but, dammit! We HAVE to have the new iPad and cable TV! (I’m grateful for the latter - you’re all keeping me employed).

What’s Not:

1. Lady GaGa
Okay, we all hated her when she first became popular, but then it became cool to like her, because all the Indy kids hated her because she was popular (are you following me?). But now that it’s cool to like her again, we need to stop it. Got it?

2. Vampires.
I’m sure when Twilight’s Blue Moon: Rise of the Preternaturally Ageless Pedophile hits the big screen we’ll have to endure all the trauma of teenage girls swooning over whichever pasty star Hollywood dictates they must love next, but can we please all agree to loudly express our collective disgust? Ironic and self-deprecating praise of this travesty is no longer acceptable.

3. Middle-Aged Women Acting Like Teenage Girls.
This has NEVER been hot (vide: any Jane Austen novel), but it is worth re-emphasising this fact in light of the previously mentioned Twilight fanaticism. Screaming and fainting over teenage boys who have the physique of a twizzler is never laudable, and when you’re forty years old, with children older than the actors, it’s just plain creepy.

4. Secession.
I must confess, I was a willing and passionate participant of the radical libertarian-cum-conservative movement that spawned the Tea Party protests, threats of secession and revolution, and all the yelling about birth certificates that Fox News STILL gleefully covers as front page news. (I still have a Ron Paul bumper sticker on my car, for God’s sake). My political change of heart to move from supporting Republican-Libertarians to voting for our current president came when I realised that I had been allying myself with people who, if given power, would ultimately seek to destroy my freedom because (horror of horrors) I don’t worship their God. Despite the Tea-Partiers claims that they love America more than those damn liberals, if you talk to many of them, their vision is for a white, patriarchal, Christian America - we had that, it was ugly, and I want nothing of it.

5. Sarah Palin.
She’s still just as dumb as she was during the elections, but much less entertaining now. Palin is proof that little girls can grow up to be beauty queens and governors and almost-Vice-Presidents and STILL manage to set back the feminist movement about 60 years. Bitch, pls.

Happy new-ish year. I hope you’re ready for the same old shit.

Love,

Megsie

A Series of Fortunate Events, Part II

“Now I bid you lose me and find yourselves; and only when you have all denied me will I return to you” (Friedrich Nietzsche, Why I Am So Wise)

In the months immediately subsequent to my abrupt relocation from Idaho to Washington, I was plagued with depression, illness, and overwhelming isolation, but, for the first time in as long as I could remember, I had hope that things would change. Boise had left a lingering sickness in my soul, a black phlegm lodged deep in my lungs that I still find myself coughing up, but I found freedom in allowing myself to fail. I thought new thoughts, and rejected, slowly, the old beliefs and morals that had stagnated my mind.

Slowly, so very slowly, I am beginning to calm the rage that gives me constant headaches and makes me grind my teeth at night. I am no longer a cornered animal, violently lashing out. I am no longer the frightened child feigning boldness against a raging bully. I simply am. My mind is still every moment as chaotic as ever (pure Id, slowly being tempered into acuity), but now, in the worst moments, I know that this too shall pass. In the best moments, I strive to stay present. Yesterday is but a memory, and tomorrow but a thought, I have only now.

I strive to live an amoral life, unhampered by the overwhelming guilt of my childhood. I do not need a God, I have a mind. I do not need a savior, I have forgiven myself.

I see the world in colour again, for the first time since childhood.

I am finding myself.

In the Interim…

I do have big plans for my two- (or perhaps three-) part blog on my selfishness theorem, but have not been able to devote a reasonable block of time to its completion for a number of reasons, most of which include (but are not limited to) working long hours, the theft of my laptop (I do not enjoy writing by hand), and my excessive amount of traveling of late to and from Boise. I was in Boise so frequently in November, I almost began to feel like I lived there again.

For those who are unaware, I am currently employed as an administrative assistant for a medium-ish sized company (I don’t know what constitutes a medium-sized company, I just know that the company I work for is larger than small and smaller than large. Precision is not my forte). My job description includes office management, administrative work, special projects, personal assistant to the CEO and “other duties” (a phrase the CEO is ALWAYS happy to remind me encompasses whatever the hell he wants at any given moment). It’s a good job, but it’s frequently overwhelming (I won’t go into detail of the amount of time I have spent sobbing in the bathroom).

The net result of this exagerrated work load is that I am forced to prioritize my work in such a way that some of the more basic tasks (such as ordering office supplies and fulfilling my coworkers’ menial requests) are put off in favour of more pressing issues. Most of my coworkers understand the level of pressure I am under, and docilely accept my inability to immediately cater to their requests. We have a process: coworker submits request verbally. Megan says, “send me an email”. Coworker submits request via email. Megan flags said email for follow-up within the next two weeks and gets to it when she has time.

Generally speaking, we have had no major issues with this routine. Until now. We recently had several new hires and several transfers from other offices come to our building. Most of these people have adapted rapidly to My Way (”Hit the road, Bucko” being the only other option presented), and as such we can maintain a cordial relationship. One particular creature, however, seems to have trouble adapting, so I have adopted a full-scale behavioural modification plan.

The offender frequently loiters by my desk, creepily rifling his bacteria-ridden hands through the bowl of candy I keep on my desk. He never says anything to me until I address him. (He displays extreme passive-aggressiveness - little does he realise that he is dealing with someone who is not at all passive, just aggressive). At first, I attempted to be polite. “How may I help you?” I would ask, in my least sarcastic and most officious* tone.

Him: “Yes. [Insert unnecessarily long pause while he continues to stare at me and violate my candy dish**]. I need.[Pause]. You. [Pause]. To order me. [Pause]. A/an [insert random office supply]“.

Me: “No problem! I’m sure you’ll need more than just that one item, why don’t you make me a list and then send me an email.”

A few hours later, this same conversation would be repeated, except I would become increasingly rude. I do not enjoy being stared at, particularly by someone who displays significant anti-social behaviours, and every time he would come stand at my desk I would ignore him for as long as possible, then, finally, snap.

“What?!”

“Yes. [Significant pause]. I would like [pause] [insert some other inane office supply]”

“Send. [Pause]. Me. [Pause]. An. [Pause]. Email.”

He NEVER sent a fucking email.

This was repeated about four times the first day, and probably the same amount of time the second day. Once, he even had the gall to ask me if his stuff had been ordered, to which I replied, “Oh, what stuff? I have not received an email requesting any supplies.”

He has yet to send an email, but HE WILL COMPLY. I shall prevail. Or else he’ll spend the rest of his time at our office without such simple amenities as power supplies and staplers.

Notes:

* I’m using the word in the archaic sense, since I did not realise until I just now lookied it up that it has taken the connotation of being meddlesome. I prefer the Jane Austen meaning.

** For the record, that is not a euphemism. Thank God.

A Series of Fortunate Events, Part I

The Selfishness Theorem:

1. Selfishness is not inherently negative or positive.

2. Living for oneself is a natural extension of the evolutionary directive towards self-preservation.

3. Human selfishness can extend beyond the whims and desires of the moment to encompass a greater goal.

4. Cognitively aware selfish behaviour directs us to behave in ways that benefit others, because ultimately this benefits us as herd animals (unselfish behaviour is, at its core, selfish). Selfish behaviour therefore drives a healthy society.

I have explained my idea incompletely, but I hope at least the gist of what I am attempting to say is clear. I am sure my Selfishness Theorem is neither original nor particularly radical (I have been told that it is Randian), but it was the result of original and radical thought on my part when I dared to posit an answer to a question that was thrown accusatively at me over and over again: Can there be morality, or even meaning in life, apart from God?

“No” was the unequivocal answer from pastors, parents and peers, and I, having no other frame of reference, believed them. Truth apart from divinity, they insisted, was void. I could neither believe in, nor worship their God, and, in accordance with all I had been taught I concluded that life was meaningless. Thus, when I found myself waking up in a hospital room that smelled nauseatingly of stomach acid and charcoal, with the heavy weight of a heart that had defied death the night before still beating slowly in my chest, I was angrier than I had ever been before in a life characterised predominantly by rage. Angry at the monitor that counted off my vitals, angry at the doctors who whispered “miracle” to my religious parents, angry at a God I didn’t believe in, and angriest of all that the culmination of nihilism is having nothing to rage against. (This is why the Buddhists are peaceful - they recognize the futility of anger in a world without God).
In my 19 years of having been told that I was selfish and immoral, 19 years of being guilt-ridden and brow-beaten by a religion that is redemptive only to the elect, I, for the first time, had downed two bottles of pills, finally, consciously, done something entirely for myself. Though I did not realise it at the time, selfishness would be my salvation.

Many people will say (with a mixture of derision and fear) that suicide is the most selfish act a person can engage in (intending “selfish” to be taken in a pejorative sense). These people are correct: suicide IS an inherently selfish act, instigated by the pressure to unselfishly meet the demands of others. We are not intended to unselfishly strive to live for others, and our biology rebels against such unnatural acts.

Many people have near-death experiences and find God. Many more people have near-life experiences and continue on in the same rut. I had no God to turn to, and, when the rage died down, I found that my will to live was not obsolete, but was instead crying out for a different life: a life apart from religious guilt and fear, a life not spent in a several-thousand-year-old mold intended to reacreate homo sapiens sapiens in the image of a middle-eastern tribe’s deity. A life not contracted by the morality I learned from infancy, but instead expanding exponentially in curiousity and discovery. The beauty of nihilism, I learned, is freedom.

So, I chose life, in the most Darwinian sense: primeval, raw, and selfish. I fought, I failed, I grieved, I was reckless, thoughtless, utterly selfish, and I began to heal.

Almost two years after my suicide attempt, I realised again that I was spiraling back into deep, terrifying, suicidal depression. This time, though, I was selfish enough to believe I had value, to believe my life was worth preserving. I had spent a lifetime of fighting for others and for whatever cause I was most passionate about at the time, but now I fought for myself, and, again made a conscious decision to be completely selfish. I packed my bags and left Boise.

To be continued…