Megsie

I’d like to set the record straight for the good people of Westboro Baptist Church (you know, the ever-delightful God Hates Fags folks). They seem to be somewhat remiss in their understanding of the Almighty’s personal tastes. I have therefore taken the liberty of creating The Comprehensive List of Everything God Really Hates:

God hates winos and whiners
And bitches and ho’s,
Priests fondling minors,
And lettuce that froze.

God hates one-legged kittens
And smelly old shoes,
Moth-bitten mittens
And room temperature booze.

God hates people who
Pronounce the “h” in “herb”
And anyone who uses
“Friend” as a verb.

God hates library patrons
With overdue books,
And sullen old matrons
With sourpuss looks.

To the drivers who text,
And the people who smell
God says, Line up, you’re next
You’re all going to hell.

God hates people who lie
And people who cheat;
He really hates atheists
Who don’t bless what they eat.

God hates used plastic bags
And puddles of spittle
But he doesn’t hate fags.
Not at all. Not even a little.

1. “Congrats” (or worse, “grats”).
It’s NOT the thought that counts when you can’t even be bothered to spell out the word.

2. “Y’all” and “all y’all”
ESPECIALLY atrocious when the former is used to refer to just one person. Please secede, Texas. I really thought electing a black president would push you over the edge, but it hasn’t. What must we do? Tell us!

3. LOL
…But only because I’ve been known to accidentally slip this one into conversation. The Internet has destroyed my brain (vide Lolcats).

…And of course:

4. Any substitution of a letter or number for a word
U r dead 2 me.

Some abbreviations I love, for good measure: any and all Latin abbreviations (i.e., e.g., N.B., vs., etc.), esp. (for especially) and “WTF”.