Megsie

Dearest Megsie,

Sincerely,
Samuel Eldon Bourne

Dear Sam,

Most excellent. I’ve often wondered if anyone from the old group was going to have the guts to question my apparent Road to Damascus conversion. The truth is, however radical such a belief shift may have appeared to you or anyone else from our group, it was in fact the result of long and quiet doubt on my part. We both know that for a long time I have not shared the religious views of you, or anyone else in our group. I was, inevitably, the outsider. Yes, I spoke fluently the language of the disillusioned seditionist – and I hope you believe me that it was not a farce – but unlike you, Sam, and unlike our other religious peers, what I hated most of all about the Bush Administration that we railed so violently against was not his bumbling inadequacy, nor his political heavy-handedness, nor his unjustifiable war, but the religion that drove him to all of those things. A religion that you share with him, in name, if not necessarily in application.

Christian Reconstructionism, Theocracy, Faith-In-Government or whatever incarnation of that theme religious politicos are pushing may not have been the theme of our every discussion (though it was certainly the topic more often than you seem to recall), but it is the undercurrent that seems to drive much of the right’s political fervor. It is the logical conclusion of a religious belief system. If the Bible is God’s word, then it should be the Law of the land. If it is the law of the land, someone like myself can have no place in that land. Even if Constantine does not kill the pagans, his successors will.

On a somewhat different note, you cannot have missed my long-time sympathy with liberal causes. The religious Republicans who took over the party may talk about civil liberties and (now that a Democrat is in office) small government, but they actively oppose women’s rights, and gay rights, and support torture. This is NOT in line with the American ideals I support, and is perfectly in line with Christian theocracy. I certainly don’t agree with Democrats on everything, and I am not a liberal in the typical sense of the term (though I find it incredibly odd that you claim I am more conservative now, since I am certainly not that at all), but I absolutely refuse to align myself with any group, political or otherwise that is actively working against the civil rights of a minority group. So yes, I have allied myself with the group that promotes civil rights, because my conscience will not allow anything else.

As for Obama, I have never fawned over him, except in jest. I respect him, and yes, sometimes I dare to admit that. I think that he is doing many good things. I agree with many of his policies. I disagree with at least as many, but I am most of all frustrated by the unadulterated ignorance of his loudest detractors. Of all the things to complain about, we still hear about his birth certificate. He is blamed for events that were put in motion long before he took office. He is blocked by the opposing party from passing legislation, and then criticised by those same people for failing to enact meaningful change.
I did not actually have very high hopes for Obama when I first chose to vote for him (maintaining low expectations is the surest way to avoid disappointment), so perhaps I am unduly impressed, but I still take offense at your implication that I “swoon” over him or any other politician. We may long for radical change, but we must maintain some semblance of realistic expectations. Obama has in no way lessened my personal freedom. The only real complaints I’ve heard about his so-called socialism have been about the healthcare plan, which does not require anyone to have government care if they can afford private healthcare. I suppose, like many, I am most disappointed in what Obama has NOT done, rather than what he has done. Of course, I never expected him to repeal any of the sweeping powers the Bush administration granted itself, so perhaps “disappointed” is not the right word.

As for smaller government, more freedom, I still agree, but I don’t think that small government is possible now. The anarchist and near-anarchist ideals we longed for were just that – ideals. Such a society is only remotely possible in a small, homogenous culture: one language, one religion, one race. That is not America. Only a big, messy, Republican Democracy will suit our diversity. Yes, I believe this system will eventually implode, perhaps sooner than later, but I hope to hold it together for as long as possible.

Revolution is a truly romantic idea, but it is a very ugly reality. There may come a time when it is necessary, but that time is not now, and when it comes I will not fight side-by-side with people who will ultimately disenfranchise me and others who do not subscribe to their religion.

The truth is, our worldviews are, and always have been diametrically opposed, even though politically they converge on some points. I perhaps did not share my doubts and disagreements as much as I ought to have, in large part because I did not want to be shouted down. I did not change my beliefs to fit in with urban Democrats here (in fact, most of the people I’ve met here are religious Republicans), but rather I moved away from Idaho so that I could get away from beliefs that smothered my own. I moved so that I could think my own thoughts. Yes, I know a few (a very few) people here who have corroborated what I long suspected, and helped strengthen my infant beliefs, but I did not convert to please them. (Though I must confess, I do enjoy not being dismissed as crazy for expressing my opinions).

I sincerely hope that you don’t have such a low opinion of me that you continue to believe that I changed my beliefs without careful thought, even if you were not privy to those thought processes.

Obviously, we have very different beliefs and probably will always continue to disagree. All I ask is that when Palin is in office and wants to feed me to the lions (or shoot me from a helicoptor, more likely) that you make at least a cursory plea to spare me. I’ll do the same for you.

Love,

Megan

The Selfishness Theorem:

1. Selfishness is not inherently negative or positive.

2. Living for oneself is a natural extension of the evolutionary directive towards self-preservation.

3. Human selfishness can extend beyond the whims and desires of the moment to encompass a greater goal.

4. Cognitively aware selfish behaviour directs us to behave in ways that benefit others, because ultimately this benefits us as herd animals (unselfish behaviour is, at its core, selfish). Selfish behaviour therefore drives a healthy society.

I have explained my idea incompletely, but I hope at least the gist of what I am attempting to say is clear. I am sure my Selfishness Theorem is neither original nor particularly radical (I have been told that it is Randian), but it was the result of original and radical thought on my part when I dared to posit an answer to a question that was thrown accusatively at me over and over again: Can there be morality, or even meaning in life, apart from God?

“No” was the unequivocal answer from pastors, parents and peers, and I, having no other frame of reference, believed them. Truth apart from divinity, they insisted, was void. I could neither believe in, nor worship their God, and, in accordance with all I had been taught I concluded that life was meaningless. Thus, when I found myself waking up in a hospital room that smelled nauseatingly of stomach acid and charcoal, with the heavy weight of a heart that had defied death the night before still beating slowly in my chest, I was angrier than I had ever been before in a life characterised predominantly by rage. Angry at the monitor that counted off my vitals, angry at the doctors who whispered “miracle” to my religious parents, angry at a God I didn’t believe in, and angriest of all that the culmination of nihilism is having nothing to rage against. (This is why the Buddhists are peaceful – they recognize the futility of anger in a world without God).
In my 19 years of having been told that I was selfish and immoral, 19 years of being guilt-ridden and brow-beaten by a religion that is redemptive only to the elect, I, for the first time, had downed two bottles of pills, finally, consciously, done something entirely for myself. Though I did not realise it at the time, selfishness would be my salvation.

Many people will say (with a mixture of derision and fear) that suicide is the most selfish act a person can engage in (intending “selfish” to be taken in a pejorative sense). These people are correct: suicide IS an inherently selfish act, instigated by the pressure to unselfishly meet the demands of others. We are not intended to unselfishly strive to live for others, and our biology rebels against such unnatural acts.

Many people have near-death experiences and find God. Many more people have near-life experiences and continue on in the same rut. I had no God to turn to, and, when the rage died down, I found that my will to live was not obsolete, but was instead crying out for a different life: a life apart from religious guilt and fear, a life not spent in a several-thousand-year-old mold intended to reacreate homo sapiens sapiens in the image of a middle-eastern tribe’s deity. A life not contracted by the morality I learned from infancy, but instead expanding exponentially in curiousity and discovery. The beauty of nihilism, I learned, is freedom.

So, I chose life, in the most Darwinian sense: primeval, raw, and selfish. I fought, I failed, I grieved, I was reckless, thoughtless, utterly selfish, and I began to heal.

Almost two years after my suicide attempt, I realised again that I was spiraling back into deep, terrifying, suicidal depression. This time, though, I was selfish enough to believe I had value, to believe my life was worth preserving. I had spent a lifetime of fighting for others and for whatever cause I was most passionate about at the time, but now I fought for myself, and, again made a conscious decision to be completely selfish. I packed my bags and left Boise.

To be continued…

Of all the amazing and good things that have happened to me in the past week, the single greatest occurrence is waking up without a headache every morning.

For the first time, I am healing.

This is why I moved.