Tag Archives: Dear Megsie

Dear Megsie: Loonies and Losers

May 21, 2009

Dear Megsie,

I have multiple personality disorder with two personalities but it is really hard for me to tell them apart because they are identical twins. What should I do? -Man with MPD

Dear Crazy Person,

You clearly need more help than I am licensed to provide. I suggest you create a third personality that manifests itself as a psychologist and get some counseling.

Megsie, Professionally

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Dear Megsie,

I am completely addicted to watching the show The Biggest Loser. I TiVo it and watch re-runs over and over again while eating potato chips. I never leave my house, except to go to the grocery store. As a result, I now weigh over 200 pounds. I don’t know exactly how much I weigh because the scale broke when I climbed on it. Help! I need to lose this weight, but it’s too much work to try and get on the show. What should I do? -Growing Addiction

Dear Fatso

I can’t help you with your obesity issues, but I can offer a suggestion to end your addiction to The Biggest Loser: Imagine all the contestants naked and engaged in a blubbery, cellulite-ridden orgy of elephantine proportions. Come to think of it, this just might help curb your appetite, too. I know I just lost mine.

Megsie, Disturbed

Dear Megsie is a monthly feature written by Megan Barry. Megan reserves the right to edit comments for clarity as she sees fit, and/or laugh at your gross typographical errors. Email your questions to dear_megsie@megsie.com

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Dear Megsie: Boors, Bores, and Whores

April 23, 2009

Dear Megsie,

My future parents-in-law act like baboons on a regular basis. What should I do to remedy this? - Soon to be Wed

Dear Soon,

Unfortunately, less-than-desirable in-laws abound, as yours truly has experienced firsthand. Megsie recommends that, rather than actively seeking vengeance against the offending party, one should simply wait until a natural disaster befalls them. Express public grief, and private glee. Few things are better than delighting in your enemy’s downfall.

If, for some reason your in-laws seem to be immune to the natural disasters and have yet to contract a fatal illness, feel free to slip laxatives into their beverages. A note of caution if you choose this route: be aware of your surroundings. If they are guests in your home, you might wish to avoid this tactic, as you will be the one who must clean up the mess.

Megsie, Vengefully

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Dear Megsie,

My 21-year-old sister is engaged. She recently got pregnant and we don’t know what to do. We are worried that she might not take care of the baby. What should I do? - Worried About Family

Dear Worried,

I’m going to assume that your sister is an idiot. The world is already overpopulated with idiots. I recommend an abortion pronto, then, take your sister to the vet and get her spayed.

Megsie, Offensively

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Dear Megsie,

I don’t really have any problems. Do you think my life would be more interesting if I did? - Drama Free

Dear Boring,

What the hell is wrong with you? Even corpses have more drama than you! I recommend you hire a hooker, contract a venereal disease, cheat on your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, cheat on your taxes, mug an old lady, and sing “I’m a little teapot” in your underpants in front of the police station. Write me back when you have some problems.

Megsie, Thoughtfully

Dear Megsie is a monthly feature written by Megan Barry. Megan reserves the right to edit comments for clarity as she sees fit, and/or laugh at your gross typographical errors. Email your questions to dear_megsie@megsie.com

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