It’s truly egg-cruciating.
It makes me deeply un-hoppy.
I’m speaking, of course, of the extensive psychological pain caused by the ubiquitous use of egg- and rabbit-related puns, foisted upon us by our commercial overlords (AKA marketers).
I work in marketing, so I have been martyr to these painful puns on a daily basis. It occurred to me that marketers have completely overlooked an opportunity to further exploit this particular season for commercial gain. Despite the economic success surrounding the winter holiday season, for some reason advertisers have failed to capitalize on the many holy days of spring, such as Passover, Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, and, of course, Lent.
As my compatriot in marketing misery, JJ, remarked, “This season of mournful reflection and sacrifice is ripe for sales and advertising.” What better way to imitate the sacrifices of Christ then by parting freely with your hard-earned cash?
Because I am a naturally kind and helpful person, I came up with a few new phrases for marketers to employ:
“A deal so Lent-acular you’ll wish you hadn’t given up mindless consumerism!”
“Holiday? How about a Holy Week!”
“Christ is risen, so get up, and get your ass to the mall!”
“The only saving you need this Lent”
“CRUCIFY these deals! 40 days and nights of savings”
“Black Friday deals are born again this Good Friday! Stop by for heavenly bargains and saintly sales!”
Please feel free to share your spring holiday slogans in the comments.
]]>The members of the He Is Risen Baptist Church in Tacoma, Washington announced their boycott of Mount Rainier, citing the mountain’s “gross indecency” and “flagrant immodesty” after record highs combined with severe drought caused the “snowiest place on earth” to display more rock than usual.
“The world may think this is okay,” said Pastor Jeremiah Jones, “but we won’t accept this lewd behavior! Think of the children!”
This summer, record-breaking heat waves across the Pacific Northwest melted the snowpack on Mount Rainier, leaving vast slopes of grey rock uncovered, in stark contrast to its usual white-veiled majesty.
On Sunday, members of the congregation gathered on Main Street holding signs reading “Repent! Judgment is nigh!” and “Mt. Rainier=Jezebel” a reference to the Biblical queen.
“It’s simply disgraceful!” said Susan Smith, a church member. “My son sees the mountain every day on his way to school. I don’t want his mind polluted by that filthy slut!” Mrs. Smith said while gesturing expansively towards the east where Mount Rainier dominates the landscape.
As of this publication, Mount Rainier has received a light dusting of snow. When reached for comment, Pastor Jones said, “Hmph! Finally!”
]]>Unfortunately, that goddess is the voluptuous Venus of Willendorf. The goddess figurine, which dates between 28,000 and 25,000 BCE, is most certainly not the Venus of Roman Myth.
The goddess trope is marketed as empowerment. It’s what we tell our girlfriends over a few glasses of wine:
“Like, oh my gawd, girl, you’re a beautiful, powerful goddess. You’re a fucking queen. YOU ARE PERFECT!!!”
Goddess of wine and love handles, perhaps.
What is the western woman’s obsession with claiming her own deification? It’s what commercials tell us when they are trying to sell us yogurt, chocolate, makeup, deodorant, and feminine hygiene wash all packaged in various shades of pink. When deodorant maker Venus came up with their name, they probably didn’t have the Venus of Willendorf in mind, despite the persistent fact that most of their clientele resemble her more far more closely than the Venus of Roman mythology.
I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m not actually a goddess, princess, queen, shero, spirit lady, or whatever. I think I’m okay with being mortal.
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