Easter Is Finally Here

Our prolonged and patiently-born suffering is nearing its end.

It’s truly egg-cruciating.

It makes me deeply un-hoppy.

I’m speaking, of course, of the extensive psychological pain caused by the ubiquitous use of egg- and rabbit-related puns, foisted upon us by our commercial overlords (AKA marketers).

I work in marketing, so I have been martyr to these painful puns on a daily basis. It occurred to me that marketers have completely overlooked an opportunity to further exploit this particular season for commercial gain. Despite the economic success surrounding the winter holiday season, for some reason advertisers have failed to capitalize on the many holy days of spring, such as Passover, Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, and, of course, Lent.

As my compatriot in marketing misery, JJ, remarked, “This season of mournful reflection and sacrifice is ripe for sales and advertising.” What better way to imitate the sacrifices of Christ then by parting freely with your hard-earned cash?

Because I am a naturally kind and helpful person, I came up with a few new phrases for marketers to employ:

“A deal so Lent-acular you’ll wish you hadn’t given up mindless consumerism!”

“Holiday? How about a Holy Week!”

“Christ is risen, so get up, and get your ass to the mall!”

“The only saving you need this Lent”

“CRUCIFY these deals! 40 days and nights of savings”

“Black Friday deals are born again this Good Friday! Stop by for heavenly bargains and saintly sales!”

Please feel free to share your spring holiday slogans in the comments.

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