Why the fuck does the Casey Treat megachurch down the street from my condo need fucking COPS to direct traffic on Easter Sunday? Are they that unruly?
Category Archives: Pondering
Pondering: Laziness
After weeks of quitting, quitting quitting, and quitting quitting quitting smoking (et cetera, ad nauseam) for Lent, I finally gave up on trying to keep any sort of blog about the whole debacle. It is frankly embarrassing just how difficult it was for me, a fairly casual smoker, to quit. The more I thought about quitting, the more I told people I had quit, the more I wanted to quit, the more I craved it.
It certainly didn’t help that the whole experience of smoking has always been intensely emotional and therapeutic for me, and since one of my roommates was also a smoker, at any given time I always had access to cigarettes (even when it meant swallowing my pride and acknowledging that I was failing… again).
Today marks the twelfth day in a row that I have not smoked, also, not coincidentally, the twelth day since I moved (actually thirteenth, as it is now after midnight). When I have to go out and buy cigarettes myself my craving is outweighed by my deep-seated and blessed natural laziness.
Which brings me to the point of this post:
The Three Greatest Things Laziness Has Done For Me And How It Can Change Your Life, Too
(Yes, that will be the title of my inspirational self-help novel, coming soon to a cheap-paperback-“Don’t-You-Mean-Augusten-Burroughs?”-selling bookstore near you)
1. I cannot maintain an addiction on my own power.
Smoking is a prime example of this, but also other substance abuse, namely, alcoholism: I love drinking, way more than is healthy for someone of my age with my history of liver damage. Thankfully, though, I’m so lazy that unless someone else is providing the booze, I am unlikely to indulge excessively. One could make the point that this is more due to stinginess than laziness, but the less I spend, the less I have to work.
2. I avoid many unnecessary altercations.
You may be surprised (alarmed, perhaps) to learn that I am actually far more inclined towards violent overreaction than one would guess from spending time with me. Because most people would consider me a rather volatile person already, I would like you to know that there are many, many instances where I do not fly off the proverbial handle. This is not due to any sort of inherent goodness, but rather due to the realisation garnered from many, many years of flipping out: it’s a LOT of work to get that mad. These days I’m so tame that if you cut me off in traffic, chances are I won’t even flip you the bird. It’s not because I forgive you, it’s because I’m lazy.
3. I really can’t be bothered to think of a third point.
Laziness (or, “Sloth”) is considered one of the Seven Deadly Sins, but really, if it prevents me from committing the other six, can it be all that bad?
Pondering: Fame Five…
According to Heather Armstrong of dooce.com everyone (even, or perhaps, ESPECIALLY, those in monogamous, healthy relationships) should have a list of Five Famous People (who they will never actually encounter in real life) who, given the opportunity, they would bang. You can read her blog about it here.
Without further ado, here are my Fame Five Fuckers (subject to change without notice):
1. Seth Meyers, Andy Samberg and Jimmy Fallon
2. Colin Farrell
3. Nick Jonas
4. Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie
5. Justin Timberlake
I know, I know, I cheated… But really, that’s what this blog is all about: cheating, with immunity.
Who are your Fame Five?
Pondering: Stupid Things I Cry About.
These are some of the stupid things I have cried over in the past few days. I’m telling you because I think it’s funny, but if you ask me if I’m on my period, or even IMPLY that I MIGHT be hormonally unbalanced, I will drive to your house, and hot-glue all the doors and windows shut with you inside. I know that doesn’t sound particularly terrifying, but just you wait… And no, I’m not on my period.
I cried because…
1. Internet Explorer force-quit on me, for the TENTH TIME in the last two days. Unlike Firefox or Chrome, this browser doesn’t even have the decency to restore the old tabs. Also, it’s ugly.
2. My cat decided to climb my leg, and made me bleed. Then, while I was clutching my mangled leg and crying, he bit my toes.
3. I drank the last bit of wine last night, and I couldn’t drive to get anymore.
4. I was cold.
5. I didn’t want to eat another fucking Ritz cracker, but that’s all I had at my house.
6. I want ice cream, but I’m trying to diet.
I justify all this silliness because there are many other stupid things that I DON’T cry about. Really, I’m a very balanced person.
Pondering: Irregardless
Edit: Upon waking up this morning I realised that I had forgotten perhaps the most important point regarding “irregardless”: its failure to fit within the structure of the English language. I have inserted the necessary corrections in italics so they are easier to find.
A couple of people pointed out on my last blog that because “irregardless” is now used frequently (so frequently, in fact, that it even appears in the dictionary, albeit with the denotation “nonstandard”) it is a legitimate word. The argument for this (which at its base is inherently valid), is that language evolves, and our language has evolved to include “irregardless”.
I disagree with the conclusion that “irregardless” should be accepted as standard because it adds nothing to our communication. The purpose of language is communication with other speakers of that language, and also with oneself; it is a way to gather, parlay, and disseminate knowledge. Towards that goal of communication, language evolves within the confines of grammatical structure for two reasons: physiological imprecision and precision of meaning.
The first reason language evolves (physiological imprecision) is essentially laziness: the desire to maximise communication while minimising energy expended. Thus, among speakers of the same language, language use becomes shortened and minimised and dialects are developed. Why say “you are” when “you’re” communicates the same idea? Etc.
The second reason for linguistic evolution is precision of meaning. This is similar in concept to the previous point, in that the goal is to improve communication, but it differs from it in that instead of deleting phonemes, we actually add in more sounds, sometimes creating whole new words in order to more precisely communicate a concept.
“Irregardless” is a recently invented word, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. If you use it in conversation with another American English speaker, chances are they will understand you (just don’t be surprised if they start twitching uncontrollably). In that sense, “irregardless” fulfills the goal of language (that is, communication) so why is its colloquial usage and eventual acceptance into standard English such a big deal? Well, first off, it isn’t really. There are many other more important things to worry about, like nuclear fallout, global warming, and WHO ATE THE LAST COOKIE.
That said, this is why I am opposed to the adoption of “irregardless” into standard usage:
1. It does not enable us to precisely communicate a new concept, or allow us to better communicate an established concept.
2. There is another word that is used to communicate PRECISELY the same thing: “regardless” means “without regard”.
3. The prefix “ir-” negates whatever follows it, thus something that is “irretrievable” is something that cannot be retrieved (like the hours of my life spent trying to correct basic grammatical errors). “Irregardless” literally means “not without regard,” which is the opposite of the way it is used.
4. “Irregardless” is not a physiologically lazy change to language, it is cognitively lazy. It is therefore devolution, NOT evolution, of language.
Words are tools, and if one of those tools is imprecise or unnecessary, we should throw it out.
Any thoughts/criticisms are welcome.
