“Now I bid you lose me and find yourselves; and only when you have all denied me will I return to you” (Friedrich Nietzsche, Why I Am So Wise)
In the months immediately subsequent to my abrupt relocation from Idaho to Washington, I was plagued with depression, illness, and overwhelming isolation, but, for the first time in as long as I could remember, I had hope that things would change. Boise had left a lingering sickness in my soul, a black phlegm lodged deep in my lungs that I still find myself coughing up, but I found freedom in allowing myself to fail. I thought new thoughts, and rejected, slowly, the old beliefs and morals that had stagnated my mind.
Slowly, so very slowly, I am beginning to calm the rage that gives me constant headaches and makes me grind my teeth at night. I am no longer a cornered animal, violently lashing out. I am no longer the frightened child feigning boldness against a raging bully. I simply am. My mind is still every moment as chaotic as ever (pure Id, slowly being tempered into acuity), but now, in the worst moments, I know that this too shall pass. In the best moments, I strive to stay present. Yesterday is but a memory, and tomorrow but a thought, I have only now.
I strive to live an amoral life, unhampered by the overwhelming guilt of my childhood. I do not need a God, I have a mind. I do not need a savior, I have forgiven myself.
I see the world in colour again, for the first time since childhood.
I am finding myself.
