Greetings, Besotted American Youth.
You are, as we are constantly, nauseatingly, reminded by the media, the future of this great nation. Despite all the nay-sayers, I, for one, am eagerly awaiting a future of creative spelling, efficient (non-existent) punctuation, and charmingly bereft of all but a few shreds of literacy. Im sure u wont disappint me. Bitch, pls.
That said, I do have some pressing concerns as we charge headlong into month two of this new year: first off, why did we suddenly stop talking about Michael Jackson’s death? I was just starting to get interested with the homicide trial. Secondly, we still have a SuperBowl? And people still care? Why?
In order to best express my multifarious opinions on this new year, I have condensed it into a handy What’s Hot/What’s Not guide, that you are welcome to print out and carry in your purse, glove compartment, or tucked between the pages of your bible (preferably next to the verses in Leviticus about sodomy). Lists are ALWAYS trendy.
What’s Hot in Twenty-Ten:
1. Blue people.
I mean, “Native Pandorians”. I am speaking of course, about Avatar, the movie that is currently the highest grossing movie of all time (recession, say what?). This was a visually stunning movie, and I will agree with anyone who praises it, as long as they do so with the clear caveat that the script and acting were sub-par (unnecessary explication, anyone? Anyone?). That said, people really killed themselves after watching it? Yes, I know Pandora is beautiful, and all sunshine and unicorns (well, mind-melding lizard-horses), but THERE IS SUNSHINE HERE, TOO! I understand the depth of emotion that can come after watching an unusually engaging film, but if you’re going to kill yourself because of a reaction to an artistic expression (pop-culture or otherwise), please make it a book. (WHAT? DUMBLEDORE DIES?! *STAB* *STAB* *STAB*).
2. Going green.
But trust me, it won’t be easy. “Rebuilding our infrastructure” and “sustainable energy” will be the key phrases of political and industrial sales pitches in 2010. This is actually pretty damn smart. A lot of people think that the economy runs on money, which is not true. It runs on hope and greed.
3. Adultery.
Infidelity will go out of fashion when the rich, famous, and beautiful cease to indulge in it. This will occur simultaneously with the immolation of the earth, therefore for the sake of the continuation of our species it is imperative that we encourage this. Thanks to Tiger Woods, sex mania became a household term for 2010 as waitresses and whores and business-professionals-who-look-like-porn-stars came out of the woodworks to cash in on a star’s crumbling reputation and unnecessarily humiliate his wife. The highlight of the debaucle was Brit Hume telling Tiger that he needed to convert to Christianity in order to be forgiven, because everyone knows that Christianity offers a “Get out of Hell Free” pass (I traded mine for $45 in Monopoly money). Of course, this whole mess is entirely the fault of the Christians’ unclear moral code. Christians are always railing about saving oneself for marriage, but they failed to specify WHOSE marriage.
4. JenniBradPittIston.
According to the trashy gossip rags I read, Branjelina is no more, which means that Brad will run crying to Jen, she will forgive him and take him back, and all will be right in everyone’s world, except the gossip industry, who will suddenly have to fabricate another scandal to keep us fascinated and flaccid for the next decade.
5. Whatever Apple says is hot, God dammit!
I won’t take the opportunity here to make vulgar analogies about just what Steve Jobs could sell the American people if he so chose, instead I will just say that our insatiable need for entertainment is probably a major factor in keeping our economy afloat. We may have trillions of dollars in debt and 10% unemployment, but, dammit! We HAVE to have the new iPad and cable TV! (I’m grateful for the latter - you’re all keeping me employed).
What’s Not:
1. Lady GaGa
Okay, we all hated her when she first became popular, but then it became cool to like her, because all the Indy kids hated her because she was popular (are you following me?). But now that it’s cool to like her again, we need to stop it. Got it?
2. Vampires.
I’m sure when Twilight’s Blue Moon: Rise of the Preternaturally Ageless Pedophile hits the big screen we’ll have to endure all the trauma of teenage girls swooning over whichever pasty star Hollywood dictates they must love next, but can we please all agree to loudly express our collective disgust? Ironic and self-deprecating praise of this travesty is no longer acceptable.
3. Middle-Aged Women Acting Like Teenage Girls.
This has NEVER been hot (vide: any Jane Austen novel), but it is worth re-emphasising this fact in light of the previously mentioned Twilight fanaticism. Screaming and fainting over teenage boys who have the physique of a twizzler is never laudable, and when you’re forty years old, with children older than the actors, it’s just plain creepy.
4. Secession.
I must confess, I was a willing and passionate participant of the radical libertarian-cum-conservative movement that spawned the Tea Party protests, threats of secession and revolution, and all the yelling about birth certificates that Fox News STILL gleefully covers as front page news. (I still have a Ron Paul bumper sticker on my car, for God’s sake). My political change of heart to move from supporting Republican-Libertarians to voting for our current president came when I realised that I had been allying myself with people who, if given power, would ultimately seek to destroy my freedom because (horror of horrors) I don’t worship their God. Despite the Tea-Partiers claims that they love America more than those damn liberals, if you talk to many of them, their vision is for a white, patriarchal, Christian America - we had that, it was ugly, and I want nothing of it.
5. Sarah Palin.
She’s still just as dumb as she was during the elections, but much less entertaining now. Palin is proof that little girls can grow up to be beauty queens and governors and almost-Vice-Presidents and STILL manage to set back the feminist movement about 60 years. Bitch, pls.
Happy new-ish year. I hope you’re ready for the same old shit.
Love,
Megsie
4 Comments
Our shared revulsion at the lack of literacy in any living generation bonds us. Politics will never fix it. We must do it ourselves even if we feel like Mother Teresa in India helping only a small percentage of those dying on the streets. Sooner or later, you must teach. Do you realize this?
Dearest Megsie,
I won’t lie to you that your sudden conversion from libertarian to typical, mainstream democrat was a bit of a shocker. I never understood it and, unfortunately, after your brief explanation I still don’t.
You say your change of heart was motivated by realizing the people you were supporting would ultimately take your freedom for religious reasons. This confuses me because I seem to remember us all being pretty closely aligned in our political philosophies. I think BarryPatch Politics could be nicely summed up in the simple phrase, “Less government=more freedom”, and that was why we all supported Ron Paul, the 2nd Amendment, the end of the War on Drugs, and, yes, even secession. I don’t seem to recall lauding any religious theocrats or mainstream conservative Republicans. Is my memory failing me?
The primary focus of your ire seems to be the Tea Party movement, and this confuses me all the more. Granted, I’ve found nothing attractive in the Tea Party movement. If it ever stood for anything remotely libertarian at one point it no longer does now, having been thoroughly battered by Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh into acting as a front for the Republican Party (obviously, seeing as Palin was the keynote speaker at the first Tea Party convention this last Thursday). But what, pray tell, does this have to do with anything? It’s quite obvious the Tea Party movement was not what we were supporting or rooting for in those bygone days.
In the end I think it worked out for the better. You moved to a city filled with typical democrats and it would have just been terribly awkward to be so damn radical, like you once were. Ironically enough, I think you may have become more conservative. But it’s all okay. You’ll keep swooning over your corporate candidates and I’ll keep pushing for secession away from said corporate candidates and life will go on (as someone wisely said, it’s the same old shit).
Sincerely,
Samuel Eldon Bourne
I missed this.
I want to write a rebuttal post.
But I won’t.
Wow that was fantabulous! You should write for a newspaper or something. I was very entertained and agree with most everything that was said. Keep up the great writing