7 Words I Have Used Innocently (and Literally) That Make Boys Think They Should Put My Number on Speed-Dial in Lieu of the Phone Sex Hotline

(Or, “Seven Perfectly Good Words I Can’t Use Anymore. Thanks So Much.”)

1. Quivering
I say: “I was so angry I was quivering”
You hear (albeit somewhat less literately): “A shudder in the loins engenders there/the broken wall” and you’re NOT thinking about the fall of Troy.

2. Engorged/Swollen
I say: “The river was engorged from the spring rain”
You hear: “Come here, baby, let me engorge your river”

3. Blow
I say: “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down” (while telling a story to a child, you pervert)
You hear: “I’ll give you a blow job”

4. Swallow
I say: “I saw a swallow the other day”
You hear: “I swallow!”

5. Erect
I say: “…And so they erected a statue in his honour”
You hear: “I’ll erect your statue”

6. Aroused
I say: “My interest was aroused”
You hear: “I’m hot and bothered, please, sexually harass me!”

7. Moan
I say: “the wind moaned in the willow trees” (Yeah, I’m super poetical like that)
You hear: “Mmm, baby, oh yeah…”

Bonus words from my partner in crime, Quintilian: Banana, yank, wood, poke, snake, puckered, come, milkshake, long, put out, thing, lube.