Him: Have you spoken with [a certain horrible ex of mine] recently?
Me: No, Father, [Doucheface McDouchleton] is a horrible, Satan-spawn, scum of a human being.
(This last bit was actually spoken with significant pauses where I searched for words that WERE NOT obscenities and thus my utterance sounded something more like: “No, Father, (fuckface? Fucktard? Vile motherfucker? Assface?) [his actual name] is a (motherfucking piece of slimy shit?), uh, horrible…” etc.)
Him: Oh, no, he can’t be all bad, he’s just A FUGITIVE FROM THE LAW (emphasis mine, to show just how absurd my father’s actual comment was).
Me: He’s a rapist.
Him: Oh.
(Here I let him ponder the significance of this statement, before launching into a graphic description of how Doucheface McDouchleton should be, uh, disposed of. So much for keeping things PG around my father.)
I can’t decide if I like his real name or the one you use in public better…